Hello,
My daughter seems to get very upset when a plate is empty. She will eat a certain portion of food, dump the rest, and then ask for more. When she finishes her food and asks for another serving, she often refuses it once it’s given to her.
When adults are eating at the table, if their plates are empty, she tries to add more food to their plates or asks them to do so. If this doesn’t happen, she cries and screams for 10+ minutes until food is added to someone else’s plate.
Do you have any advice on how to handle this behavior?
Regards,
Onika
Answer:
What you’re describing is a problem behavior with a social/communication layer on top. It helps to look at it through the function lens (why the behavior is happening). If you haven't reviewed the Autism Mom's Survival Guide to Problem Behaviors, go take a look at it in the study vault or in the files section of the fb group.
From what you shared, her upset isn’t really about hunger. It’s about control and predictability around plates not being empty. That makes it fall under tangible + attention seeking behavior. Here’s what I’d suggest:
1. Proactive strategy (set her up before the meltdown):
Serve smaller portions but keep a “reserve” plate nearby so her plate never looks fully empty. For example, if she usually eats 6 nuggets, give 3 and when she’s almost done, quietly add 2 more so it doesn’t go completely blank.
For family meals, you can leave a little “display food” on the table so no one’s plate is fully bare.
2. Replacement skills (teach what to do instead):
Model and prompt her to say, “More please” or “Can I add food to your plate?” instead of screaming.
Use a visual: a simple card that says “add more” that she can hand to you when she wants food replenished. Over time, fade the card into words.
3. Reactive strategy (when the crying happens anyway):
Stay neutral. No lecture, no overexplaining. Calmly prompt her to use her words or card.
Do not give in to just the screaming. Only add food once she asks the right way. This is how she learns the screaming doesn’t get the outcome, but communication does.
4. Extra tip:
Turn this into a social skills teaching moment at dinner. Use role-play before meals pretend your plate is empty and practice her asking politely, “Can I give you more?” with you reinforcing that. That way when the real dinner happens, it’s a rehearsal, not a surprise.
The big picture: her behavior is communication. She’s telling you, “I don’t like empty plates, I need to see food there.” Our job is to validate that feeling, but then teach a more appropriate way to meet it.
Let me know if this is helpful.
What you’re describing is a problem behavior with a social/communication layer on top. It helps to look at it through the function lens (why the behavior is happening). If you haven’t reviewed the Autism Mom’s Survival Guide to Problem Behaviors, go take a look at it in the study vault or in the files section of the fb group.
From what you shared, her upset isn’t really about hunger. It’s about control and predictability around plates not being empty. That makes it fall under tangible + attention seeking behavior. Here’s what I’d suggest:
1. Proactive strategy (set her up before the meltdown):
Serve smaller portions but keep a “reserve” plate nearby so her plate never looks fully empty. For example, if she usually eats 6 nuggets, give 3 and when she’s almost done, quietly add 2 more so it doesn’t go completely blank.
For family meals, you can leave a little “display food” on the table so no one’s plate is fully bare.
2. Replacement skills (teach what to do instead):
Model and prompt her to say, “More please” or “Can I add food to your plate?” instead of screaming.
Use a visual: a simple card that says “add more” that she can hand to you when she wants food replenished. Over time, fade the card into words.
3. Reactive strategy (when the crying happens anyway):
Stay neutral. No lecture, no overexplaining. Calmly prompt her to use her words or card.
Do not give in to just the screaming. Only add food once she asks the right way. This is how she learns the screaming doesn’t get the outcome, but communication does.
4. Extra tip:
Turn this into a social skills teaching moment at dinner. Use role-play before meals pretend your plate is empty and practice her asking politely, “Can I give you more?” with you reinforcing that. That way when the real dinner happens, it’s a rehearsal, not a surprise.
The big picture: her behavior is communication. She’s telling you, “I don’t like empty plates, I need to see food there.” Our job is to validate that feeling, but then teach a more appropriate way to meet it.
Let me know if this is helpful.