In the philosophy that there’s three life skills that every child on the spectrum needs to have a
chance of a life of independence. The first one is potty training. The second one is
communication. And the third one is minimal or a very little problem behavior or tantruming,
aggressive behavior, all that good stuff and they need to be able to sit and attend I kind of put
them together,

00:29

Welcome to the autism mommies potty talk Podcast. I’m Shelby Rogers, autism mom and life
coach. I help parents of children with autism who are pre verbal to start communicating potty
train I guarantee

00:50
you’re listening to the autism moms potty talk podcast episode 33.
00:59
Hey, Megan, hey, Mira. Hey Rebecca. Welcome, welcome.
01:04
We’re gonna start in a second.
01:08
This is just a night of me just answering every question any question under the sun about
autism? My masterclass people are very welcome to join me, Jen. We’re streaming in the
masterclass too. Yeah. Yes. Awesome. And Instagram. Hey, Valencia, anybody who has any
questions tonight? I’m here to answer everybody’s questions. All I’m going to do is share a
quick video on Juliana’s journey. So if you don’t know anything about us a man I’d be happy to
share that information with you. And then we’re gonna get right into q&a. So welcome,
everybody. Hey, Valencia. Hey, Shannon. Sanaya. Hope not saying your name wrong. Hey,
Rebecca Neeraj. Megan. So naughty Alison. Welcome, everybody. Um, just to give you a quick
housekeeping thing here on the bottom here, oh, let me go live. I’m gonna go live on Instagram
here. But I know how to do this. There we go.
02:06
And we are a little crooked. We put me over here. Get us all ready. I like me better there.
02:16
If you want to get coached tonight, I would absolutely I love coaching everybody. If you want to
get coached tonight, raise your hand, there’s a little gray, raise hand button on the bottom.
Don’t be shy, I don’t bite. Raise your hand. I’m gonna coach you on anything and everything to
do with autism. So any question that you have, bring me your challenges, bring me your
toughest questions. If I don’t have the answer for you, I will find it and get back to you. But I’m
pretty resourceful. Like, we do a lot of questions. I handle a lot of different questions in regards
to autism. So there’s really not too many challenges I can’t master for everybody on Instagram.
I’m going to be looking over here looking over there. With all the technology advances of the
world, there’s no way for us to stream to Instagram. So I’m going live off my phone. But if you
want to join us I’m in a zoom q&a. I’m answering any question that any parent wants to bring to
me tonight in regards to autism. Any problems we’re gonna put together roadmaps for
everybody. If you look at the the post the latest posts on my profile, the link is there right Jen?
And whereas is in my bio too, or no? I put it in the comment section. All right, she’s gonna put a
year and a look out for Jen. She’s gonna put it in the comments, anyone on Instagram? Who
wants to?
03:30
Who wants to get their questions answered? Who want wants to be coached by me and has
never had an opportunity to do that come into zoom, raise your hands. All right, perfect. So
what I’m gonna do right now is I’m gonna share my screen real quick here. I’m gonna show you
a really quick video just to kind of give you you know, I could to kind of tell you the story but I
feel like this is just on so much nicer than me telling you that I’m gonna share my screen. And
everybody on Instagram is not going to be able to see this unfortunately. But maybe I can point
the screen I will point my camera at the screen. So hopefully, if you can’t hear it, just hang on.
If you can come into zoom even better, and I answer everybody’s questions largely raise your
hand and we’re going to share
04:12
I’m going to answer all types of good questions in regards to autism potty training,
communication, let’s go Okay, so here we go. You can see my screen right
communication, let’s go Okay, so here we go. You can see my screen right
04:23
all right, let me know if you can hear the Zoom people
04:34
unable to play video, well, that’s always nice. Bear with me here folks.
04:40
Try that again.
04:44
See if I have a place
04:48
to let me just make sure I can get this working.
04:52
And now it is working. Alright, I’m gonna share my screen again. Everybody who wants to come
and get coached by me there should be a con
05:00
mints in the Instagram make sure Sharon agenne and you guys come and be coached by me
come into the Zoom welcome everybody from Instagram.
05:10
Alright
05:13
everybody
05:16
I remember when I got pregnant with my daughter, I felt so grateful and so blessed my life up
until that point had been pretty rocky I’d have a lot of bumps and bruises along the way. And I
finally thought that I was turning the corner and God was blessing me with this beautiful gift of
a child and I just Yes, finally something was going in my way. And then when she was born, she
was just absolutely perfect. I had all of these dreams and expectations for her. I thought of all
the things I thought she was going to do.
05:55
Right after her first birthday, I started to notice her behavior changes. She went from, you
know, saying that
06:08
he was obsessed with Dora the Explorer, Mama dad, as she was saying it all girls they met
06:17
hit all of her milestones up until that point, she walked at one she was eating solid. She just you
know, she looked really good. And then I just remember her. It felt almost overnight or very
quickly, where her demeanor just changed. She went from the super happy baby to crying and
cantering just frustrated all the time. And I remember saying to my mom one day during one of
these hints was like you know where my happy baby go. But I didn’t think anything past it. I
think I was kind of not ready to fathom that something could be off even though maybe the
telltale signs were there.
06:51
Cheerios
06:56
Okay,
06:59
dressed
07:06
gotta get dressed tiny.
07:10
Gum, I’m trying to get dressed.
07:16
She started to lose the words that she had gained. She wasn’t saying mama anymore. She
wasn’t saying Mara. She just seemed really disconnected from us. Instead of playing with her
toys, she would take them, dump them all at VirtualBox and just start twisting them around her
hands aimlessly, with no intended purpose. Really kind of in denial about it. And then I
remember one day, we were in the middle of a store and then all of a sudden out of nowhere,
she just like, started like screaming and yelling like somebody slapped. I don’t even know what
the rot was. And I was so I was so mortified. I didn’t even know what to do. I was so scared, I
literally just left the half full cart. And the store picked her up and just
07:55
ran out of air. I never went to that store again. I was so I just didn’t even know what to think.
And that was probably the first time it really kind of stung for me that maybe something is
wrong.
08:09
diagnose her. They didn’t diagnose her right away. They said that, you know, she was too
young for a diagnose. I don’t even know what they meant when they said that I was diagnosed
with what you know, I just had no idea what they were talking about. And then they said, you
know,
08:23
you know, we’ll come back and if you’re not seeing progress, and so okay, you know, and a
couple months later, I’m watching the speech therapist play with him on the floor, I’m not
seeing any progress and felt like she was getting a little worse. And then we went for our two
year olds wellness visit. And the doctor said that she was behind if she wasn’t using 20 words
with intent. And that was just, that was probably just the knife to my heart. At that point, I
really couldn’t deny that something was up with her anymore. So then I called the County back
in and then she was diagnosed on the spectrum. And I remember that day and it was the worst
days of my life. It was the it was my darkest hour, I could easily say that. As a mother, as a
woman, as just a human being it was probably
09:05
one of the hardest times I had ever gone through. And I remember just being so I went from
being so happy with God so thankful to be so pissed at doing the center and wrecking this
being so happy with God so thankful to be so pissed at doing the center and wrecking this
beautiful gift he had given me. And for a while there I struggled. I struggled to figure out what
this meant or what what we were going to do or how this was going to define her all those
dreams I had for her future were just completely shattered. And I just had no idea what was
going to happen next. And I went from just hopeful to just complete blank when I thought about
the future.
09:43
One night I was thinking you know, I’m going to die one day, and who’s going to care for her
like her mom. And something about that thought just snapped me out of my depression and my
anger and my fear and said Listen, we got to get to work here. You know, I promised that
10:00
When she was born, I was gonna be the best mother, I could be to her. And that, for us, it
hasn’t changed. In fact, that should mean more now than ever, not less. She needs me now
more than ever. And I didn’t know at the time what we were capable of, or what she having
those changes that mind shift mindset shift for me was going to do. But
10:22
I wanted to know that at the end of every night, I could look myself in the mirror with
confidence and say, you know, did you do everything we could to shell to give her the best
possible life? And if the answer was yes, and that was a good day, and I wanted to answer to be
yes.
10:39
100% and no matter where the cards fell, I know I can leave this earth saying I gave her
everything. Everything I have no regrets. And as I’ve navigated this world with her, and walked
away that day, after having that thought, I really just grabbed the bull by the horns, I became
her fiercest advocate. I’m not a special education. Master’s degree teacher. I don’t know any. I
never had any formal training in ABA, but I knew that I was going to learn whatever I needed to
learn to be really strong for her. And Juliana was all of her language was you Cheerios?
11:25
Okay, she was nonverbal when she was diagnosed. Show me what you want. Okay, what was
which was her sign language?
11:47
show me
11:50
show me.
11:52
Then she went from sign language to word approximations.
12:03
And
12:05
then she started to speak.
12:09
Say
12:14
she went from the most restrictive preschool environment. She was in the sixth one for most
restrictive preschool, special education preschool.
12:26
Your name is
12:30
Juliana to now where she is almost eight years old. She’s in a second grade class and adjusted
school integrated class with typical peers. She speaks beautifully. Now. What did you like about
the tones?
12:47
I like
12:51
coffee. And I liked the thing.
12:56
Painful, she has a personality. She has conversation skills, there’s still things that we need to
work on. But for the most part, the future went from black to now having possibilities. And none
of that could have happened had I not kind of gotten out of my own way, and really hit the
ground running and started to take action for her. And I can’t say that I could do that for every
parent I coach. What I can tell them is I will have them feeling like I did look at myself in the
mirror. You looking at yourself in the mirror and saying I was everything I could be for her
today. I have no regrets. And however that whatever happens it happens is really for us as
parents to know we we fulfilled the duty that we promised when we had these children which
was to be the best versions of ourselves to live to raise these children. I’ve helped now
hundreds of mothers coach them one on one to do the same things I did to help them to be
strong to help them to craft plans where we’re seeing constant progress. This is what I want to
do I want to give you the chance to to Nana’s head. I want to give you every opportunity to give
your child back half
14:07
a day
14:15
angry
14:19
Happy Birthday love June
14:23
All righty. Let me switch this back here so you guys can see me. I did that right great. I’m doing
like two things at once here which is like super dangerous for me. All right, here we go. Anyone
who’s on Instagram who wants to get their questions answered live. Jen’s gonna put the link to
our zoom where we are right now. here so you can come in and get your questions answered. If
you ever wanted to talk to me if you have any like I’m stumped. My child’s having this issue.
Coming to zoom. Raise your hands. Let me coach you so okay.
14:56
I am going to bring Alison up first.
15:01
I’m gonna promote you to panel panelist, Allison so you can share your face with us and you
can kind of talk to us a little bit. If you’re feeling shy, you can come into zoom and just watch. If
you want to ask questions in the q&a, like write out your chat, then I’m happy to hear that too.
However, I can support you guys.
15:20
And where is Allison?
15:25
Allison promoting you to panelists you have to Oh, you declined to promote spouse, Allison for
me to coach you. I have to kind of hear you and talk to you. I’m not hey, I’m not sure. Yes, I’m
using my phone.
15:38
All right, Alison, I will come back to you post your post your question here. If you want a new
Euro. I’m going to take you next.
15:48
And Alison, I’m going to come back to you I’m not sure what happened there.
15:55
Here comes mera.
15:59
Hai Mera, how are you? Hi, how are you? Doing? Good. Ready to get ready to help some moms
and dads and grandparents out tonight? What can I help you with today? Tell me.
16:11
Everything. What do I start?
16:16
For me? My daughter’s four. She’ll be five actually next week. September 6. She’s not she’s
Yes, she’s going into kindergarten.
16:27
She’s nonverbal.
16:31
She’s, I don’t even want to say maybe 25% potty trained. She’s maybe like 15%. She does say
a few words. Like she will say,
16:43
I kind of got her into the habit of saying pee pee in the potty. So she’ll come to me and she’ll
say pee pee in the potty. Okay, but the thing is, she’s not getting she’s not, you know,
throughout the day, she’s still in her underwear. But if we go somewhere, I keep her in the pull
ups just to be on the safe side and one of the islands. And now that she’s starting kindergarten,
that’s kind of like an issue for well, here anywhere in New Jersey, they they’re kind of like, you
know, they don’t want to, I have a problem with them not, you know, she’ll she’ll have rashes
because they don’t want to change her. I don’t think that they put her like on the potty as often
as they should to, like, help me with what I have going on at home. So it’s kind of difficult with
that.
17:31
But the biggest issue that I have now working on the potty training, but one of the biggest
issues is the communication. I’m trying to work with that I don’t know where to start to get her
to communicate effectively, like tell me what she wants or what she needs. And then I have a
second issue that temper tantrums the falling out the screaming, she screams and whines at
every single thing. I’ll tell her to do something and she screams and falls out about it. So
18:04
do ya. All right. So I like to work on things in like bite sized chunks, but I want to share
something with you and for everybody that’s listening. So.
18:25
Tenants, the first one is potty training. The second one is communication. And the third one is
minimal or very little problem behavior or tantruming, aggressive behavior, all that good stuff.
And they need to be able to sit and attend I kind of put them together communication and
tantruming or that that frustration go hand in hand because usually they’re pissed off because
you can’t understand what they need. Right. Right. I was thinking, Yeah, of course. So we can
we can tackle a couple of these together. Let’s just work on the communication part first. Now
this is one of the things in my coaching program that we teach our moms is we get very
intentional on the thinking that we have around our child. And you described her in the
beginning as what’s her name? Nova Nova. I like that. You described Nova in the beginning as
nonverbal. I’m very I’m very intentional with the language that I use when you think of Nova as
nonverbal. Well, how does that feel?
19:29
I definitely feel good.
19:31
mean it’s, it’s kind of frustrating because I know that she can use her words. It’s just, I don’t
know if it’s the autism or if it’s just like, you know, she’s being stubborn. Like I don’t, because
she she can use some words, but I don’t. I don’t know. I don’t.
19:49
The reason why I bring this up and we’re going to talk about tactical strategies to get
communication rolling here. I have her I have her grandmother here too. So she’s listening to
20:00
Hi Grandma
20:03
graders
20:08
that thing went over. And I tell her mom is that, like, when I keep Nover and she, she’d like
anything she wants, she’ll bring it to you. Like if she wants juice, which we try not to give her
any juice that she’s like, I do have apple juice, you know, we’ll do you know is deleted water. I
add water to it.
20:33
So she’ll bring it to me if she wants it. She anything that she wants your brain. She’ll bring her
like a snack. She love fruits. She loves strawberries. So she’ll go in the refrigerator, take
strawberries out and give me the container. Okay, I get you know, cut them and wash them
and give them to her. But the thing is, she repeats everything that her mom says. Like she’ll
ask you Rosalyn, this is a very good segue here. Rosalyn, would you describe Nova as
nonverbal?
21:06
Someone because she seems to be to me a little somewhat lazy.
21:13
All right. All right. Okay, so let’s
21:17
break down. Before we get into tangible and this is I think this is so important. I want to break
down the language that we’re using to describe our children. And when I call a child, when I
think of the word nonverbal, I think of a child that cannot speak, that cannot do anything
vocally. Right? That’s what I was saying is nonverbal. So.
21:43
Yes.
21:45
Go ahead. No, when I say hello, you know, sounds like to me, Nova. She is on verbal. However,
she she’s doing repeat a lot of words.
22:00
So what does nonverbal mean to you? I think that’s important to understand, to non verbal,
nonverbal to me mean, nonverbal to me means when a child can’t can’t express their self, I
guess. So. I guess my point here is that the language we use to describe our children on the
spectrum is 1,000%. Optional. And I want to be intentional with the language that I use for my
child’s that’s going to want to keep me motivated, and keep me wanting to help her from an A
place of hope, of possibility. If I’m in the state, where I’m thinking that this is nonverbal, and I
personally don’t, I wouldn’t describe this child is nonverbal, I’d actually describe this child very
much pre verbal, if not somewhat verbal, because she is repeating, repeating is this is the
beginnings of language. If we think of a neurotypical child or a baby, they start by repeating
things that they hear, not intentionally starting to say, hey, grab me a cup of juice, or get me a
cookie, they’re going to hear it and absorb from their environment and start to create sounds
from that. So the reason I’m not trying to get fixated on nonverbal, whatever, if some, some
people say well, nonverbal is neutral to me, that’s what that’s fine. It’s when nonverbal makes
me feel frustrated, and makes me feel like shit. And then I say, you know, what, I before I get
into the tactical sharing what we could do to get her more communicating, which is not the
same thing, I’ll go over that in a minute, that’s gonna make me feel better. If I’m going to take
action from a different place, I’m not going to take action, frustration, I’m going to take action
from hopefulness, because just from like some of the things you listed about her, I know she
can do this. She’s very smart, she takes me to the things she needs. Right? So.
23:55
So would you consider that consider Nova as being not a nonverbal? I don’t like the word
nonverbal. I really don’t because this is the thing. We believe verbal language as a society
means that means communication, and then it’s not the case. You can,
24:15
in a lot of different ways, as in this is so important for children on the spectrum. Because when
we have a child on the spectrum, communication from the thought to the voice is not like
automatic, we have to build up that neural pathway to teach them that when I have a thought I
can use my voice to communicate it. I don’t understand why many don’t understand why. But
with a child on the spectrum, it’s very common that that pathway just isn’t that firing the way it
should. So the what we do to teach a child that is pre verbal, I say pre verbal, it doesn’t matter
what I call her. The one I want to know is when I talk to parents, and they say that it feels like I
asked I asked a mom a week ago I said how’s it feel when you think your child’s not
25:00
verbiage says it feels hopeless. It feels like a dead end. It feels like a death sentence. And I
don’t want anyone to have that feeling when they’re thinking about their kid and then trying to
work on communication from that face, saying that’s what it means. I’m not saying any
everybody who thinks that is what they think I’m saying, I want to be intentional in how I
describe my child. Because that’s going to be the place 95% of the game is what we believe is
parents, not the tactical, because I know you’re all came here like great, she can show me a pie
chart. I’ll show you all the tactical. But if we can think and be intentional about our thoughts
around a child with autism, and think things more hopeful, that’s going to be like rocket fuel on
top of the tactical I’m going to give you
25:44
so thinking about Nova and thinking specifically about her needs. What I would say here is that
she’s showing signs that she can communicate, she’s communicating by taking you to the
things that she needs. So what we want to do with her and she’s a repeater. I love repeaters.
That’s where language starts, that tells me that she can create, she can create words, we just
need to teach her to create words with intention. So what I would do if if we work together,
what I would tell you to do is that I would like to form a bridge form of communication for Nova,
which could either be sign language packs, a picture exchange system, sign language is what I
showed in the video, it can be packs or give me an app with with the with the the little pictures
of the things that she wants. What I tell parents is you do not need to be an expert in ABA to do
this. You can do this yourself. I taught you only after they’ve taught her the sign for cooking
and I saw how valuable that was and how quickly she caught on. She learned 10 signs within a
week. So what I do is I say okay, I look at know, if I was Noah’s mom or grandma, I would get
excited, let me know list out 10 Things that you have for every day. So it could be cookie it
could be juice it could be go outside get tickles, get a toy, whatever the case may be. And I’d
start one at a time creating signs for her now she you know, you could do pecs. pecs is like you
could make pictures and put them in a book and then have her grab the picture and show you
what she needs. That way you could get one of these apps or a communication device. I’m not
sure what type of kindergarten class she’s going into. But it’s something I would collaborate
with the school on. Because if their tantrums are becoming like what’s gonna end up happening
for a child that’s pre verbal, that isn’t taught a bridge form of communication, their frustration
is going to increase as they as the child ages and then the tantrums tantruming happens then
they can get aggressive. We want to avoid that by giving It’s so strange though because she
she nuts I’m sorry to cut you off. She she only does that with me. Like she only does that home.
27:57
So let me ask you this. And this is always great because I get this whole time she only does the
submission just a rough. What give me an example of how this happens. Tell me what’s the
scenario.
28:08
Okay, so if, if you
28:13
and she comes in, she’ll, she’ll bring like today, she brought a bag of cheese doodles. And she’d
had nothing dinner. So I told her no, no, but you have to put it back. That was tantrum and I’m
like, okay, but you know her age, I would expect that like you know a child. Well, that’s alright,
so let me ask you this. Let’s just play. She brought you the cheese deals. You said no, you can’t
have she flips out. Right? What happens then?
28:37
So after that, I take it from her, I put it back. And she gets over it. She goes to find something
else that she wants. And unfortunately, it was a bag of popcorn. So I had to tell her no again. So
it was and then it just, you know, she falls out and screams those herself. What happens?
28:59
And then she’ll eventually calm herself down. What happened in this example? And this
example I talked to her nobody can have it like, you know, just trying to talk to her.
29:12
Yeah, okay, so now I’m gonna ask him doing this like stage coaching. I’m doing this really fast
and normally we have a dialogue now. Has there been any time that she’s thrown that
tantrum? You’ve given her the popcorn or the cheese doodles? Yeah, I know
29:28
what her goat this is her form of communication. I know in the past that if I lose my shit, and I
do a good job at it, my mom’s gonna cave and she’s doodles right. And then the minute just
one time that’s it. That worked. I’m gonna keep that’s my go to. And that’s what I’m saying. So
what do I do I just let her cry. Yes, yes. If we do, ever, ever, ever reinforce negative behavior
with with a reward you ruin
30:00
Warning her clients now she’s learned that if I piss and moan enough, she’s gonna cage she’s
gonna get in what you do as at the same time you don’t just start withholding things what you
want to do is teach her
30:14
communicate, that is acceptable that will be rewarded girls. So she loves cheese doodles, I love
it. I didn’t go off American Sign Language I looked at like different times for certain things and I
created my own signs. So for example, like with the prints out a picture of a Cheese Doodle, put
it in a book and say show me and then you can kind of dropped into a full on physical of
showing her taking her hand poking out the people the picture the cheese doodles and
immediately presenting her cheese doodles. That’s teaching her three packs that every time
you show me the picture, I’m gonna give you the report it right for it, you get nothing.
30:57
So yeah, I think my first step for you, if we were working together, that’s what I’d say. Like,
we’d start to build out a bridge form of communication for her. We want to obviously get school
on board with this, we definitely want to get her potty trained. That’s a whole other can afford.
But this will at least get you started when you’re thinking about communication skills. I want
you to be so intentional now, like when you think about Nova and think about her potential
thinking about all the good that she you know, that she’s capable of. And, and how I think about
her? Is it serving me? Is it helping me to show up in those moments of tantrums and not
caving? Yeah, because right now she’s saying go to bed. She knows it’s bedtime. Go to bed?
That’s not a nonverbal child.
31:44
No, it’s time for bed. She’s telling you to go to bed soon. I’m saying like, why am I saying she’s
No, it’s time for bed. She’s telling you to go to bed soon. I’m saying like, why am I saying she’s
nonverbal is a total mindfuck. For you. It is right.
31:55
to other parents, but to you it is and when you think that you don’t see the you don’t see the
proof that that’s not true. Right? Like, you could say we’re on our way to using functional
language, one of the things we teach in the program is thoughts are fucking optional. They’re
not all true. I can choose to think whatever I want, I can think things that are going to want to
have me motivated and working for my girl. Or I can think things that are just gonna let me
feed her cheese doodles throwing a tantrum. My my, okay, so it’s best to maybe like make
some type of like images or something for her to get to figure that out. So basically, what I
would do, you have a if you don’t have ABA, through insurance, you’re entitled to ABA through
insurance, you need to look that up immediately. We all do the program as well. And then I
would talk to my team and I’d say team, I want to put in together a bridge form of
communication for my child, it could be sign language packs, ACC What do you think she’ll do
the best way I could tell you, for example, we started with pecs with Juliana, she had a net
where she would take the pictures and just start twisting them in her hands. I think I
33:03
need to do something different, then that’s when we came up with sign language for her. But
that’s this is how you’re going to have to talk to your team. I want you to think about Nova. What do you think she take to and I’d start by, okay, okay. Can different things and say okay,
these are the things she asked for every day. This is where we’re starting. Okay. Oh, thank you.
33:25
I’ll talk to you soon. Okay, thanks. All right. Bye. Bye.
33:30
All righty, Alison, ah, you are up next.
33:35
Hope I did that. Right. There we go.
33:46
That was a good question. While we’re waiting for Alison.
33:49
33:49
Hi, how are you? I’m okay. Perfect. All right. So tell me about your baby. Alison, is now a baby. I
was actually taking care of my sister in law son yesterday. When she got home from work, but
the fact that he has autism, it was hard for me to communicate with him, because I took him off
the block for a block party. And they have the slides that are water, like around bass, a little
water. But I didn’t know what he was trying to say. But it was just the screaming the crime and
the aggressiveness. It’s like, I didn’t know how to deal with it. Yeah.
34:32
Yeah, go ahead.
34:35
So it’s like I try to take it from there because mom said he’s only allowed to go under the
sprinkler site, took him to other stuff they had on the block. They had a basketball thing we
could throw the ball inside in it. So other parents notice him crying, and I explained to them
that that’s his way of communicating either screaming crying, because he doesn’t have enough
35:00
Words to form what he’s trying to say today said he has, this is an exact example of why it’s so
important to develop a form of communication, before they actually get their vocal language
going. So that you can get some basic understanding of wants to meet, when that doesn’t
happen, you have the scenario where then they just start freaking out, because you’re getting
so frustrated that you don’t understand what they need. So as a as a Aunt, I give you a lot of
credit that you took this on, I’d be happy to speak to his parents, if they don’t have a bridge
form of communication in place. So they don’t know what that is. Just send them my way, I’d be
happy to talk to them and help them out with this. But, you know, when it comes to a situation
like that, and let’s say you have a child, you know, this is the thing like, if you let’s say, I had
Juliana and a block party, and she was pre verbal, what I would do with that is I’d actually kind
of like if I know it’s gonna be, there’s gonna be cotton candy, there’s gonna be a slide, there’s
gonna be sprinklers. I’ve actually kind of create pictures. We do this a lot with our even to this
day, we do social stories around things. And I kind of let her know what’s to be expected. And
she can kind of pick from the book as to what she’d want to do. Now, if slides isn’t an option,
because mom said it, then obviously, I wouldn’t share that, you know, that you’ve got to pick
your battles with your kids on the spectrum, if you’re going to a block party, and you know, for
whatever reason that they can’t go on a slide, I probably wouldn’t take them there.
36:31
You know what I mean? Because that would be hard for any child, not just a child on the
spectrum. Do you know what I’m saying? Yeah, tell her, tell her to come my way. I’d be happy
to help her. But really, the key here for that child specifically is that he’s frustrated and freaking
out and being aggressive because he has no way to vocalize his needs next year, because I
noticed that with every store, even I walk away from that every store that I go into his picking
up stuff. And then when you tell him put it back, he’s screaming, crying and getting angry.
Yeah. So listen, tell them to reach out to me, I’m happy to give them some at least at least a
path to head to. There’s a lot to unpack here with what you’ve shared. Because you’re not as
primary caregiver. It’s, you know, I don’t want to dump all stuff on you. But give her the link to
log in then I don’t know if she logged in or not get to know her. Just send her to my social
media. She could send me a message. I’ll be happy to help her. Okay. What’s in social media?
Um, hey, I’m Jenna. Put it in the chat for everybody. All right. All right. It was great talking to
you,
37:37
too. Okay.
37:40
All right. Let’s see who’s up next. We will take I’m just trying to go through questions and help
as many people as I can. Emily, we’re going to allow you. Actually, I’m going to, I’m going to
make you a panelist.
37:56
Yes.
37:57
Hi, how are you? Tell me about your baby.
38:03
Are you there? Oh, did we lose her? Oh, there she is. Oh, no, you’re good.
38:10
So I have two kids that are on the spectrum. One is five. The other one is three. My son is Evan.
That’s him right there. So I do. Okay, so that’s him. I have.
38:23
I do have a question with him. So he so I know I’m an ABA right now with the ACES program
and they’re telling me that I need to have
38:35
one or more one or two things for the
38:44
the reinforcement for using the potty train. So for my son, he won’t keep still.
38:51
Okay, I’m trying to get him to stay still. And the only thing that does keep them still is his iPad.
And he said they can’t I can’t use the iPad as a reinforcement. Because you use it throughout
the day. Got it? It’s used throughout the day because he’s using it for language. Yes. Okay. Well, not for language, but for it’s another enforcement if he will. IT support is obviously yeah,
yeah. Yeah.
39:22
So evidence five and what’s your daughter’s name? Emelyn. And she’s three, they’re both
nonverbal. And I’m trying to get her to be potty trained too. And it’s really, really hard. Okay, so
let’s select what I always tell any parent, we’ve had triplets in the program when I tell every
parent if we have more than one child that needs to be potty trained, then we want to work on
one child at a time. And I’m trying to use my five year old first Yes, perfect. So the reason we
pick one at a time so we don’t get overwhelmed. And we also want to pick the child that you
think is going to land first. Like if you had
40:00
pick both of them. Alright, perfect. So we’re definitely on the same page with Evan. Another
thing here is that Listen, before we can potty train, we have to get over his potty phobia. And
that whether it’s a phobia or not, I don’t know, it might just doesn’t
40:14
it. We need to get him to sit first. We need to get him to sit up to five minutes comfortably
before we can even start potty training. Got it?
40:25
Yeah, he writes down. Yeah. Okay, well, that long, we have to talk about how to get a new set.
So one of the things you mentioned was the reward system, which is great. So we have this
reward system, we want to come up with some rewards that are like 10s, like, desires got to be
through the roof to have access to this item. So we figured that as the iPad correct, he gets so
40:52
40:52
and so the teacher was saying, don’t if you can’t have bring the iPad, what’s another
reinforcement? And I was like, well, your
41:01
problem, the problem here is that you’re presenting it incorrectly
41:08
is first.
41:10
And when you do that successfully, you get access to the thing. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got
it. But now here’s the here’s the rub with this. If they’re using iPad to do other goals in their
ABA sessions, you have to take the decision of what’s the priority, then being able to use this
high value reinforcer during their sessions. Are you getting him potty trained? So I’m gonna ask
you, what’s the obvious answer?
41:39
That’s good.
41:41
That I don’t know. Oh, did you see this? You want to continue changing shift diapers have a five
year old? Know what to pay paid for diapers for two children? No, no. Okay. That sounds like a
top priority to me. So what I would be encouraging the team to do is I would want them to
figure they, you know, it’s interesting how they’re putting it on you for the rewards.
42:07
Yeah, think that that’s their job. But that’s fine. What we can do is you can ask them to Google
you anyone on here can Google reinforcer preference assessment, you’ll get a whole bunch of
like, different shards. And basically, it’ll give them ideas on other things they can use during
their
42:30
because we need to use the 10 that the super desirable thing for potty training. They’re like,
42:38
they were like telling, they’re like telling me pick three, three top things that Evan likes to do. While he’s being alive. He’s in the bathroom. And I was like, well, he does like playing with the
water. So we have this little
42:53
like, this little dolphin sports out water. So you like watching that? And they’re like, well put that
aside and put it in a bucket. So you can watch the water
43:04
sports out while using an app. And when I was like, I don’t know. Yeah. So listen, what you have
to do here as the mom is like, tell everybody in my program, I said, Listen, just because you
don’t have the special education degree and you’re not like a master’s degree teacher, and he
doesn’t.
43:22
The CEO of this fucking establishment, and you hate kind of direct them as to how you want
this operation to run. So the way I see it for you is number one is we want to use the iPad for
the actual potty training, I don’t want to use it for him to sit. I can if I have to. But the idea here
is I want to convey, I feel that if we can use it, I don’t want it to lose its value. So there’s one or
two ways we could do it. We could give him very short bursts of iPad time for compliance. So
for me, it was tell the team you’re gonna have to come up with some other reinforcer. Here’s
the checklist I printed out. Here’s things I circled that you can try. But you’re no longer using
my iPad. I need that for potty training. So you got a script on them. That’s number one. Okay,
number two, you have the right to do that you’re the parent. And this is a priority for you to get
done. You don’t want to have to change to diapers right now you’re done with changing
diapers. Exactly. Okay, so and it should be the priority for them to help you with this. Alright, so
then once I do that, I have to get him to sit. So I want you to think I would withdraw and if
you’re withholding iPad for him, the bad news we also have to withhold iPad for Emily because
if you see her with if you probably kill her, so we don’t want to push Yes, yeah, so that means
that nobody gets iPad, it disappears. So one night they go to bed they wake up in the morning
they said where’s my page? I don’t know.
44:54
If you sit on the potty, I’m gonna give you access to something and I could talk about sex but
45:00
Bubbles, stickers. Playdough I don’t give a shit. That’s what they were saying to bring snacks as
well. Yeah, absolutely. Potty. Yeah, this is what we do with him what we do with a child that
doesn’t sit? Is we baseline data first if I just tell them to go sit, how quickly really sit and you
start the start the stopwatch if it’s literally just five seconds. Great. That’s your baseline and the
immediate scoring for the five seconds. Okay.
45:26
Probably something other than the I had, because I want to save the iPad. So increase desire
for a 10 I know you’re right, you’re about to panic. We’ll talk about that in a minute. When is the
best way to increase the desire for something that’s a 10 is to withhold it. So when you read
presented, it’s like, Oh, I’ll do anything to have access to that thing. Okay, yeah, yeah. Children
like this. I love I know you’re terrified children like this. I love because the pie train like five
seconds, because I’ll do anything have access to an iPad again. So that’s number one. So first
thing is like, alright, let’s say stance. He sits for five seconds straight, he gets a snack. Then I
say let’s see if he sits for 10 seconds.
46:05
10 seconds. Snack you see, I’m increasingly time on it’s
46:09
in seconds, 20 seconds, you can baseline data with pants on, how will you sit longer for pants
on, get that up to five minutes and
46:18
pants off, you know, we really have the baseline the phobia I call the phobia, it could just be
like a nonpreferred. But let’s just call it just to keep it uniform. I just want to see what the
baseline looks like and start my rewards there, then I can just increase the time that he sits.
Once we finish successfully when the timer goes off, they love the audio audio timers. Once the
timer goes off, you can get off, you give them the reward immediately.
46:45
Once that’s built out to four or five minutes, enough time to do peer groups, then you can start
potty training. I’m
46:53
fabulous iPad again. Yeah, I feel like I’m the only parent because my husband doesn’t help me
with this. So it’s hard for the both of them for being on Fetcham
47:03
47:03
No, I know it’s you know what I’m saying and diverse. Yes. Yeah. Listen, I get it.
47:12
I’m married to but it was like, this was my job. Yeah, I would do what you get the phobia down
like what’s okay, got it, I used I use my reinforcer system, I got everything up and running.
Once you’ve done that, then you can start the actual potty training. And then what I like to do
is, every time they pee, they get five minutes. If they talk, they get 20 minutes, 30 minutes,
and say, the timer is off, he’s got to hand it back to you. Now he may lose his shit. You know, a
kid that’s used to getting what he wants when he loses,
47:44
will lose it. But that’s it isn’t these the terms you don’t want or have unlimited access to this
thing. And I want to talk to any parent, including you who may have terrifying thoughts and my
house burning down. If I remove the electronics, I understand that.
48:02
But let me let me say to you, too, as a parent, right? These things, these iPads, these iPhones, I
don’t even know where mine is. They’re meant to vote. So it’s still I’m using it for you to
Instagram. They’re meant to be addictive. And we wouldn’t want our children to have unlimited
access to something that is addictive. But I’m more than happy to use that item to get the
behaviors that I want. If that item holds all of your power as a parent, why would you want to
give that away?
48:36
For what a tantrum,
48:39
a wall for my kids. It’s yeah, basically, if they don’t get the iPad for my son, he won’t let go. But
that’s the number one thing that until now until the issue we introduced to them last year and
ever since then people just want to stay on it now. But when it comes to session time, I make
sure it’s away from eight to one.
49:02
And then he rewards it afterwards. Because after that five out
49:06
49:06
what I would be and this is another thing in regards to the ABA that you’re seeing. Everyone
should be seeing a lot of breaks and a lot of
49:16
data. It shouldn’t be okay, good. So it’s not like you’re doing eight to one with no breaks, and
then it gets the final reward. Got it. So what we want to do, listen, you have the proof that they
can live without it between eight and one sleeping. They can live without it. Without it all day to
and this isn’t forever. This is temporary. We’re trying to build a life skill here. Yeah. And if either
of them sit, they can get their little reward. We’re only focusing on Evan though we don’t want
to overwhelm you and focus on both of them. But I’ll tell you what happens a lot of times, they
see the one getting the fun and the reward then they want in on the party to a focus on that
your focus is Evan and yeah
50:00
yours when you present the iPads, she’s gonna see that sir, hey, I want that listen, you go
peepee on the potty, like Gavin, you’re gonna get it. You see what I’m saying? And he’s Yes,
he’s a role model, because he’s going to start to do this, you’re going to start teaching in this in
a we, what we do is a three day intensive. I’ll have Jen share in the Share in the comments, Jen,
the link to the potty power webinar,
50:24
A to Z of potty training once you’re ready, but the first thing you have to do is just get him to sit
up to five minutes build up that time. Tell that team like, Listen, I’m the CEO here, you’re gonna
have you ready to figure out what other reinforcements that you can use? I’ll give you some
input on my experiences as mother, but I need to take that iPad away. I need that for potty
training. Yeah, I have actually, we have parent training tomorrow. So hopefully we get started.
50:53
Absolutely. I’m excited. And thank you. No problem posted. All right. I’ll talk to you soon. Yeah.
All right. Bye. Bye.
51:01
All right. I’m gonna take one more. I’m gonna take Amanda. And then I am going to answer
some questions. And then we’re going to wrap this one so fast. It’s crazy. Sabrina Nelson wrote,
how do I get my child to engage in activities mainly to listen and follow directions. So what I
would do in that instance, Sabrina is I would be looking at what my child loves to interact with,
then I want to think about the activities I’m asking, is it fun, we want to see if good ABA, if
you’re getting ABA in your home, and you’re not sure if it’s good or not, I’ll tell you how it’s
good. The child should not be like screaming and crying when the therapist walks in. It
shouldn’t be screaming, crying, festal whole tire time they’re there, it should look like play
always. And when you’re first starting out, they should be pairing meaning like they’re building
that trust that relationship with each other. And if they’re doing that correctly, then they can
start to put demands on them very gently, with a lot of breaks and a lot of reward system in
place. Where we say that whatever the ask is, the reward has to be 10 times that. That’s why I
love an iPad for potty training in that example, but if you want your child to to engage in
specific activities, and follow those directions, you want to make it worth the ask. So I love that.
Like we used to have Juliana do table time for like maybe sorting or, or matching and she’d get
a cookie or she did not like I’m gonna give her old box of cookies give her like a little piece of a
cookie or give her a mini cookie so that she still wants to continue to play. Okay. All right,
perfect. All righty. Amanda, are you ready to chat with me? That’s a good question tonight.
52:43
Amanda, are you here?
52:49
Amanda?
52:55
Amanda, are you here?
53:00
All righty. I’m gonna put her back to Paris. Anybody wants to be coached, raise your hand. I can
do one more before I leave.
53:08
Let’s answer another question in the chat here. Emily. Lou, are you still here, Emily?
53:13
Oh, you’re Sabrina? You know, I will take Sabrina because we just talked.
53:19
But I will answer Emily Lou’s question Emily Lu, my 27 year old son, his language mainly needs
based language. He communicates only when he wants something that’s interesting way to
describe him. How do I promote pragmatic language interactive communication. So first off, I
want you to acknowledge Emily that we do have some pragmatic language, he’s using it when
he wants something that’s very, I love it. That’s a very smart little boy knows what he needs,
and he’ll use his voice. So what you have to do is we just have to shape that language. It’s
interesting. I want to be so intentional on how we describe our kids and the the the skill sets
that we have, because he actually has pragmatic language, we just want to have more of a
dialogue. So again, it’s that same situation where we want to like do things that would be fun
for him to want to have a dialogue with you. I remember one of the things I did with Juliana,
when we were trying to really build out her language. There was this game called Guess who,
and you had it, you know, you had a card with a picture of a person. And she had a car with a
picture of person. And she had asked all of these questions. And it was fun because we were
playing a game and she was super competitive. She loved games. And that was a good way to
get her to ask me questions, even though it wasn’t really directly about me. It was giving her
practice and having like a dialogue. So that’s just a good example there. But he’s 27 months. I
think he you know, he’s already asking for things. So they want us doing excellent Emily, and
I’m sure you are good reasons for that. All right, Sabrina, you ready to chat with me?
54:50
Yes, I’m sure I’m saying your name wrong. How do you say?
54:54
Sabrina? Sabrina? Okay. Sabrina, okay, that’s great. All right. Are we have a
55:00
son or daughter? Sorry, son, and what’s his name?
55:05
Liam. Liam, and how old is Liam? He’s four, four. Okay, so tell me what can I help you and Liam
with today? I have a hard time when we’re out in public. He kind of runs off sometimes, and I’ll
call him and he’ll just keep going. And he won’t listen. And it’s kind of a struggle and a safety
hazard.
55:30
Okay.
55:32
Is he? Does he have vocal language?
55:37
55:37
He says summaries? Are they functional? Is it just like
55:44
things he hears? Yes.
55:46
There are functional. So like, give me some examples.
55:51
Jose go, he’ll say.
55:55
Like he’ll name things. Like car if he sees a car, he’ll say car, he’ll say go. Pill.
56:05
Sometimes were key words that He hears, okay. But he’s not really making sense or anything
at the moment. Okay, does he ever use language to ask for his wants and needs?
56:21
No, no, grab my hand and dive into what he wants.
56:31
So the reason I asked about communication, she came to me with a low ping, but the reason
why I asked about communication is a lot of times there are a low ping, because they can’t
communicate what they want to do.
56:42
And then and we’re not being clear with them as to what’s going on while we’re out. So
obviously it as a safety hazard. The first thing you want to do is avoid having safeties in place
to avoid that situation from happening. Either have assistance with you, make sure that you’re
always kind of like if you’re taking them out that you know you’re you’re able to concentrate on
him and make sure that he doesn’t run away obviously want to avoid the situation. I always like
the bomb squad Mom, mom method, we want to avoid any situations that could be dangerous.
And if they are going to be a situation like you’re going into a crowded place that you have
some help. He’s strapped into a stroller, whatever the case may be. Now that once we get past
that point, how do we get him from from eloping? The first thing I want to do is try and
understand when he does a lope. Where is it? Where’s he headed? Is he just trying to burn off
energy as you try it? Is he attention seeking behavior? What’s the what’s the function of his
elopement?
57:38
I think a lot of times he’s just
57:41
maybe playing or he sees something that he likes. He just runs off.
57:48
Okay.
57:49
Sometimes I think he feels like it’s a game. Ah, okay. So let’s give it a percentage most.
57:56
How many atoms? You know, percentage of like zero to 100%? How much? How many times do
you think the eloping is a game?
58:04
Maybe like 60 60%. Alright, so most of the time, more than half the time when he’s a loafing?
It’s an intention seeking behavior.
58:16
Yes. Okay. So when we understand what a reason why ask a lot of questions around this, that
we want to get really clear on the what to get really clear on the behavior as to why it’s
happening. So in this particular instance, she’s saying that, you know, he’s eloping, it seems
like when he’s eloping, he’s trying to get my attention to play a game. The idea with a Lopers is
we want to give them more positive reinforcement, more encouragement to stay close, than to
run away. So what we did with Juliana because she was a runner, is what I did with her is I
would take her into a store that I knew only had one way in and out like it like a like a
Walgreens or CVS is perfect. It’s usually it’s like one door in and out, right. So I know that even
if she ran off, she’s somewhere in the store.
59:05
Okay, what I would do with her is I carry some things with me that I knew she loved. And I say if
you stay close to me, and I kept encouraging her as we walked through the store, I do a fake
shop. So I go in there knowing that we may leave and not do any shopping. But I go in there
and we’re going to practice having her stay close by. And every time she stays close by for a
certain amount of time she gets verbal praise, and maybe a little reward could be stickers can
be a little toy could be candy could be whatever.
59:36
So as we’re walking through the store, I’m always encouraging her that it’s more valuable for
you to stay next to me than to run off and if it is attention seeking behavior, it has a dual
purpose because now he’s getting a lot of your attention because you’re keeping encouraging
him and praising him for staying close to you.
59:55
And then what I would do is we’d start to build out more space and then I would
1:00:00
Hold her name. And I’d make a big deal that like I get down on my hands and knees and I open
my arms and she come running, it was like a fun thing. So it was another way to encourage her
that when she’s called, she comes back to me.
1:00:13
So what I would do with your son is I would kind of like build out these deliberate outings in a
place where you can kind of like control the environment, there’s nowhere he could get hurt.
1:00:26
And I would bring these reinforcers I would tell him what we’re doing. And if he stays nice, a
good boy is going to get this thing. And I keep saying that as you go through the aisles as you
walk is Oh, what a good boy, you’re seeing Eminem. Oh, what a good boy. Here’s the sticker.
You see what I’m saying. And you’re encouraging to sit sit next to you. The thing about, the
next thing I would work on with you, which I think would be huge is the communication.
Because a lot of the times if they’re running off, either they don’t want to continue doing what
they’re doing. And they can’t say that maybe they have to go the bathroom, maybe they’re
tired, maybe they’re hungry. And there’s no way for them to communicate those things. So a
lot of times the kids will run off to break the whatever it is doing so that they can they know
that that’ll usually get them out of there.
1:01:13
Do you see what I’m saying? Okay, yeah,
1:01:17
a lot of times when we have a huge build across the street from our house, and I’ll take him
there, and it’s next to a playground. So I’ll put him there. It’s like play, kick a ball, go on the
swings and just play and he’ll just like runoff. And I’ll call him like, Liam, you’re going too far.
And he’ll look at me and he’ll turn around and he’ll just keep running off. Most of the time. It’s,
he has an obsession with playing. And like sand or dirt. Okay, it’s like a baseball, a baseball put
over there if you tried to go over there and play inside the little sand that they have over there.
And so he’ll just ignore me and he’ll keep going.
1:01:59
Okay, so this is the thing what happens then
1:02:04
I’ll go after him to catch up with him. And he’ll throw a tantrum like little tantrum because he
wants to play in the dirt. And then I’ll read that Rick come to come back to the park and play.
Okay, why not take him home immediately.
1:02:22
To give him like,
1:02:26
another chance, you know, you just want to play this is the thing here we want to be intentional
about be like we’re teaching them through behavior, what’s acceptable and what’s not
acceptable. Now I’m gonna award right the my example with you take him through the store
and keeping him by your side. And this is a practice, I did this with her we went to stores with
where I was like, if I walk out with nothing, that’s fine. We’re not really here to shop, we’re here
to see if she can just sit just stay by my side. I used to have panic attacks about this, this was
such because he would always run off. And I went in there intentionally like we’re here to run
an exercise. And if this doesn’t work, I walk out with nothing, I’ll go food shopping. And another
time this is not meant to be an actual shop. This is meant to me working me running a program
with my daughter. And I love positive reinforcement. Soy is my go to, but it’s negative
reinforcement has its place. And if he runs off, the plane is over. Nothing says nothing, you
don’t have to communicate that with language, you’re gonna pick them up and taking the car,
he’s gonna know it’s over.
1:03:33
And you’re gonna say listen, you can give them one warning, if you run away.
1:03:39
We’re going home.
1:03:41
He knows what that means. And if you’re not sure if he knows what that means, you can put a
picture of a little boy running away
1:03:47
and show him if you do this, we’re going home. A lot of times we think because this doesn’t
work, that these don’t work these work amazing.
1:03:56
So what I want to say with this is that you know, and this is where I want to say about like,
there’s this, there’s parents who can discipline, discipline and still love. And that’s what you’d
be showing him is if he goes and he runs off into the plate into an area that he shouldn’t be,
and you go and give him a second chance. You’ve taught him that I can do this and there’s no
consequence.
1:04:21
I usually try to give him like, yeah, I usually try to give him like, like Restrikes I tell him if you do
this we’re gonna go home and the third time he does it before he does I tell you have one more
chance and then we’re gonna leave and then he does it and we go home sometimes it works
depending on the day. But then sometimes, like you know, you’ve given him three
opportunities to do behavior that we don’t want.
1:04:46
Yeah, cuz I kind of like I feel bad sometimes because some most of the times we just went
outside and we’ll be outside for like one minute and he’ll go do something that he’s not
supposed to do. Yeah, and I kind of go
1:05:00
If I know Yeah, I get it, I want to understand the I feel bad part.
1:05:05
Because he because we both acknowledged that this could be dangerous. Yeah. Right. And if
I’m like this, there’s, there’s indulgence in love. There’s the there’s two types of parenting here,
right? There’s indulgence and love, where I’ll give you three chances. Well, who’s got who’s got
fucking time for that? That’s number one, right? I’ll give you three chances. To stress me out, make me make my hair go gray and run off on me. And then once you once that happens, then
we’re going home, or is discipline in love. I am very clear with you on the terms of your
enjoyment of the playground. If you mess up one time were added here. And I know like, Ooh,
Oh, that hurts. I get it. But this is you showing him through behavior that this be that what
you’re doing is a non negotiable for me.
1:05:55
It’s dangerous. Three strikes on this could be extreme, it could be a huge mistake. And I’m not I
don’t have an issue with the three strikes. It’s not even about that. It’s about that he needs to
understand what what the rules are crystal clear.
1:06:13
Because I’m sure if we’re honest, because I’ve done it too. So I’m gonna say I’m hard to step
two. If I’ve given him three strikes, sometimes I let it go to five.
1:06:23
Sometimes I just let let it go well together.
1:06:28
Right. Yeah.
1:06:32
What I want to say is that the mother who disciplines in loves,
1:06:37
is serving her child so much more than the one that indulges in loves.
1:06:44
Because you’re teaching him a life skill.
1:06:47
The other one is just entertaining.
1:06:52
I can love and show him a life skill of he needs to stay by me and he needs to follow my
direction. Or I can just let him have free rein. And I think what ends up happening for us parents
of children with autism is that we kind of we start to feel a little bad for them. And we kind of
like oh, well he has an understanding, oh, this is the only thing that he loves. And I’m taking it
away from him. That’s a thought. I feel bad. That’s a thought to feels like shit. But if I look at
the sound teaching my baby life skill, he needs to know these are the rules of the playground.
And if he breaks the rules, he doesn’t get to go on the playground.
1:07:28
And this is me showing up in loving my boy
1:07:37
yeah, and don’t think it’s your fault. Somebody did that. Like this is my fault. I don’t want you to
feel like that has nothing to do with anything about it’s not your fault. That’s bullshit. This is a
these are kinds of things that we talk about in my group coaching programs that I don’t want
you to, to. I don’t want you to blame yourself. It’s fucking useless to blame yourself. It’s useless
to feel bad for him.
1:08:02
And all that shit useless. It’s called an I call it mental mud. While you’re sitting there feeling bad
for him. Give him all these chances. He’s not learning anything.
1:08:13
He’s just enjoying his time in the dirt.
1:08:16
See what I’m saying? Yeah. But if I show up for him as his mom and I make the hard decision to
leave after I’ve done it, I’ve done it a few times. Mike Gordon Jordahl haven’t played call Mom,
come get her. You I’m sorry, I have to come get your daughter. My daughter’s not behaving.
She sterically crying begging me to snap. My heart is breaking.
1:08:36
But I am here to not just love her, but to show her the proper way to behave.
1:08:45
And when she doesn’t do that, there’s a consequence for it.
1:08:49
And when she does do it, there’s amazing rewards for it. And he and he’ll know that because
he’ll get to stay on the playground. He’ll get to continue to have his outdoor time.
1:08:59
Was that helpful?
1:09:02
Yeah, so one day, he doesn’t want and we’re done. We’re out of that. You can tell him
beforehand, you get out. Listen. say Listen, honey.
1:09:12
Listen, Liam. You’re gonna go to the park. You have stay by my side. You stay by my side. I’m
gonna give you a little treat. You’re not gonna tell them what, like, what’s the benefit of staying
by my side. You’re gonna get a little tree. You’re gonna get mommy’s attention. I’m gonna play
with you. Whatever you want. I’m gonna pull the bubbles. I’m gonna bring the bubbles this
time. But if you run away one time, we’re gonna go home it’ll be it’ll be over.
1:09:33
And you know what he’s gonna do? Most likely. He’s gonna fucking run.
1:09:39
1:09:39
He’s not it and you’ve never followed through. So now you’re gonna say
1:09:45
I mentioned who? You scoop him up. You throw him in the car. He cries he puts I love it. They
do the arch back where he can’t even like strap. manhandle him down. He stratman I told you,
we’ll try again tomorrow.
1:09:59
Oh,
1:10:00
Word try again next week.
1:10:03
He’ll remember that they won’t
1:10:07
put me through this torture device my mom just toward No. Remember when mom says she
means it?
1:10:14
I do. And she’s gonna give me candy. She gave me all this tension. I love it. It’s not just the
negative. There’s fun in there, too. He should he just made a choice and that there was a
consequence for it.
1:10:25
Yeah.
1:10:26
Was that helpful? Yes, really? Thank you. All right, cool. All right. Well, I’ll talk to you soon.
Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. All right, I’m gonna answer a couple of questions. Jen. If anyone is
interested in talking to me, maybe one on one he felt a little shy tonight. I we can do we have
what we call like a strategy session where you can call us we cannot you can. She’s gonna put
a link in the in the chat box. If you’re interested in learning more about my program, if you
want it like, hey, Michelle, can I just ask you real quickly about this. That’s what that’s what
these calls are about. Just to help you out with wherever you’re at kind of telling you what we
think you should do. And if you want to hear more about our program, be happy to share that
with you. General put the link for the call in the chat box, I’m just gonna go through the
questions real quick, to see if there’s anything I’m having the same issues with my son, Ethan,
he’s five, not Pi train. He’s pre verbal, I love it. He makes a lot of sounds but no real words. I’m
in between homes right now. So there’s a lot, not a lot of room for consistency. And meltdowns
are becoming way more frequent help. So this is the thing about that. I never encourage
anybody to pi train when you’re going through a move, divorce, death, change of jobs, new
baby want to make sure that everything’s pretty neutral. When you have a child on the
spectrum. Actually, for any child and the child on the spectrum, we want to make sure that life
is is as structured as possible for them. Children crave structure structure to a child equals
safety. So when things are like in the middle, like a move, and it’s it, maybe it’s not like a quick
move, maybe there’s just a lot of parts to it, and the child is not sleeping the same bed or not
every night or whatever the case may be. I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here. But we
want to make sure that even in those situations, there’s a set bedtime, there’s a there’s a
routine, there’s a whatever, because then the child will feel unsafe. And that’ll encourage
behaviors to happen. So once you’re in your new home, then we can start potty training. And
then we’re going to do the baseline Can you sit without without having to be forced to sit, we
don’t ever force a child to sit, we want to get them to sit up to five minutes with no issue. If
they can do that, then we can start by trying but if if you’re in between homes right now, and
you’re trying to figure that part out, get that resolved. First, while you’re in that space, create a
consistent routine. When I say routines, like just put them on a schedule, we get up at this time
we launched this time we breakfast, this time we go to bed this summer to showers, all that
stuff that helps to create that safety and then I’ll hopefully help to reduce the tantruming also
tantruming to communication skills, they go hand in hand. So if you’re having issues with
tantruming, you work on communication, it’ll squash the tantrum and nine times out of 10 It’ll
help with the tantrum in a lot. Alright, how do I encourage my daughter to speak more freely? I
hope I’ve answered some of that tonight. Should I keep my six year old son within regular
schooling or enroll in full day ABA therapy program? That’s is a good question. Raquel. What I
would say here is we want to baseline where the child is at. So if the child can communicate,
they can’t. They’re not potty trained. And they’re having behaviors. I would pull that child in a
heartbeat even if their school age and put them in a full day ABA program or I’d have ABA done
at the house. Get those three, three goals established and then I reintroduce them back into a
an a group program. Okay, so I hope this is helpful. If anybody wants to talk to me, Jen put the
code the call the experts calling in the chat. This was so fun. I hope this is helpful for
everybody. If you have any questions DM me send me an email FOCA call. Maybe I’ll do this
again. I think this was fun. Bye, everybody.
1:13:54
If you’re ready to help your baby now with potty training, communication or stopping their
problem behaviors, I want to invite you to watch my free 10 minute video training that shows
you how I took my daughter with autism from pre verbal to sign language potty training with a
sign to making sounds and then speaking, head over to Michelle B rogers.com. Forward slash
training. That’s Michelle M i c h e l l e B as in boy Rogers r o g e r s.com forward slash training.
See you there