"I can't die"

“I can’t die”

“I can’t die” is a statement I’ve heard parents of children with Autism say to me many times.  

I feel compassion whenever I hear this, most especially as an Autism mom (and a Life Coach).  Generally, no one wants feel this way. I want to hug everybody and tell them, “let me help you and your baby, let’s go!”

Just this weekend, I heard it again and at that time that very same statement felt very different.

And I thought about those 3 words… “I can’t die”

That statement seems sad, raw, and simple. Most importantly, that statement can be one of the most TOXIC things a parent could think of.

Why? Well, above all,

#1 – That statement can feel true whenever they say it. As a result, they will eventually fail because every one of us will die someday.

#2 – Sitting in the space of “I can’t die” keeps you emotionally in this state of FEAR, helplessness, and stuck in a shitty thought loop. A thought loop that leaving your child with no meaningful action, no meaningful support, and no change in their progress.

I thought back to my darkest hour, right after my daughter was diagnosed with autism. I thought about many things, many dark and sad things.

And at that moment, a thought came to me, which is the direct opposite of “I can’t die”.

It was…

“One day I’m going to eventually die, how can I show up as her mom now?”

Mostly during the night looking in the mirror…

“What did I do right today?”

“What can I do better tomorrow?”

All of these thoughts.. these questions.. they got me into action, trying all the things… failing forward, not stopping.  All of those thoughts is what I want for any parent who is thinking something like “I can’t die.”

And with all of that said, I know we all have our time. Eventually, I will stand in front of God, and I know I can say unapologetically that I showed the fuck up for my babies.

Xoxo

Michelle 

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