My 11 year old daughter has been having some meltdowns recently and she can escalate to the point of hitting, screaming and groaning. I know I need to work on preventing the meltdown before it escalates or even happens but I’m wondering how to help in social situations so as not to embarrass her. Specific example this weekend: we were at a girls scouts camping trip and she was playing Gaga ball with her troop (about a dozen girls). She got out and was mad and yelled at a couple of girls but then got out of the pit. I don’t remember if I said anything or if I just stood next to her but she told me to stop staring at her and then started hitting me. I tried to get her to take a walk or come with me but she kept escalating and trying to hit harder. (I remained very calm and told her that wasn’t ok but tried to give her space. I struggle with how to let her know hitting is never ok but I know nothing in that moment will help her settle and don’t want to cause a scene and isolate her from peers. So question is how to best handle such a situation.
Answer:
Hi - so this is a 2 part approach.. prevention and then intervention.
Prevention from a safety perspective first because we want to make sure we don't put her in a situation she can't handle and could be dangerous (this isn't this for now) and then prevention where we could stack the deck in our favor for success (more applicable to this example).
For example if I know she's a sore loser, prevention process is we avoid temporarily any activities that could result in the behavior shown here. Then I work in a controled environment (at home) to practice how to handle losing for example and losing gracefully. You can do your best at this but sometimes things will just pop up... so lets say that is what happened here, I pull her aside ahead of time tell her the behavior that is expected of her. I tell her good behavior where she wins or loses might get her a trip to ice cream on the way home for example but any type of behavior that is inappropriate will be addressed with a consequence as well.
So in this example, pull her aside before the activity begins give her some quick ground rules, advise about reward/consequence and observe. As soon as she engages in bad behavior remove her from the activity. You mentioned you don't want to embarrass her. I would venture to think it would have more of a social consequence if she is known by her peers to be a hitter and/or screamer then if her mom intervened. And I would tell her if you don't want me intervening, act appropriately. Ideally we don't have to do this often because we will be proactively working towards making her a better game player. Sometimes we have to pull out the mom hammer (not hit just be the enforcer of the tough laws) and the party is over when you are disrespectful. Let me know your thoughts and if this is helpful.
Hi – so this is a 2 part approach.. prevention and then intervention.
Prevention from a safety perspective first because we want to make sure we don’t put her in a situation she can’t handle and could be dangerous (this isn’t this for now) and then prevention where we could stack the deck in our favor for success (more applicable to this example).
For example if I know she’s a sore loser, prevention process is we avoid temporarily any activities that could result in the behavior shown here. Then I work in a controled environment (at home) to practice how to handle losing for example and losing gracefully. You can do your best at this but sometimes things will just pop up… so lets say that is what happened here, I pull her aside ahead of time tell her the behavior that is expected of her. I tell her good behavior where she wins or loses might get her a trip to ice cream on the way home for example but any type of behavior that is inappropriate will be addressed with a consequence as well.
So in this example, pull her aside before the activity begins give her some quick ground rules, advise about reward/consequence and observe. As soon as she engages in bad behavior remove her from the activity. You mentioned you don’t want to embarrass her. I would venture to think it would have more of a social consequence if she is known by her peers to be a hitter and/or screamer then if her mom intervened. And I would tell her if you don’t want me intervening, act appropriately. Ideally we don’t have to do this often because we will be proactively working towards making her a better game player. Sometimes we have to pull out the mom hammer (not hit just be the enforcer of the tough laws) and the party is over when you are disrespectful. Let me know your thoughts and if this is helpful.
That is very helpful! I definitely have something to try next time in similar situations. I was initially excited because she “hates” Gaga ball which they often do at school recess but she participated well in the first couple of rounds here and seemed to be enjoying it.
I’m still wondering what to do if I miss the moment and she has started hitting and screaming just by me blinking and I am not able to remove her. If I had tried “harder” in that moment to remove her I would have had to literally carry her away screaming with her pounding on me (and she is close to my size but I could prob still do it). Best to give her space then even though she is still close to the group (but outside still the Gaga pit)? Meaning just give her distance from me and encourage others to also give her space?
So if you’re not present it’s going to be a protocol you want to agree with teachers / professionals that are there to witness it. I can assure you they would not let her continue if she’s getting physical with other children.
If you are there, yes, CARRY HER AWAY. I am big on respect and there was lack of in this scenario, so the big C Consequence is the fun is over, even if I have to drag her off the field. You can choose to time out away from the field but I like the consequence in situations like this to STING and LAND. Ideally if we tripwire this scenario ahead of time in a safe environment, we can avoid the scenario in the future. I wouldn’t have an issue with space if she wouldn’t engage in the violent parts of the behavior. Because she does, she doesn’t get the option for space. Let me know if this makes sense.