Shortly after my daughter, Julianna, was diagnosed with Autism we were at a holiday gathering with family. At this point I was shaky at best with her autism diagnosis, and still trying to navigate what to do to help her.
We were already shopping for our forever home at the time she was diagnosed, and if school district selection was a priority before, it was MORE important to me now.
While talking about different homes and neighborhoods with Julianna’s Uncle, I mentioned a specific school district I was considering.
He then blurted out something I’ll never forget that felt like a knife to my heart.
He said….
“You don’t want to pick that one, not good for special needs.”
Did he really just say that to me?
As if Autism wasn’t hard enough, I now have to deal with insensitive comments like this from my family?
Looking back, I know he didn’t mean harm.
He probably thought he was being helpful.
But here’s the thing – I had to make a choice about where I was going to spend my mental energy.
Was I going to waste it trying to educate every well-meaning family member about autism?
Or…
Was I going to channel it into being the mom Julianna needed me to be?
I chose my daughter. Every. Single. Time.
So I created some hard boundaries.
Nobody gets to give advice about Julianna unless I explicitly ask for it.
Period. End of story.
Did this make me popular with my family? Hell no.
Did it change my relationships with them? Absolutely.
I needed to protect my energy to focus on helping my daughter thrive.
And…
I couldn’t do that if I was constantly managing everyone else’s opinions, suggestions, and “helpful” advice about autism.
Some might call it harsh.
I call it necessary.
Because every bit of energy I spend defending my choices or educating others is energy I’m not spending on getting Julianna the skills she needs for independence.
So yes, I became “that bitch mom.”
The one who doesn’t share much about herself or her child’s autism journey with family.
The one who leaves gatherings whenever she feels like it.
The one who doesn’t entertain unsolicited advice.
And you know what? It’s not popular to live here, and it’s definitely not the easiest, but I’m at peace with that.
Because protecting yourself from your family’s friendly fire – even when it comes from an uneducated, well-meaning place – isn’t just about you.
It’s about being the best possible parent to your child.
I do love my family, all of them, but sometimes love means creating distance.
Sometimes being a good mom means being an unpopular daughter, sister, or niece.
As we head into the holiday season, remember – you get to choose where you spend your energy.
You get to set boundaries.
You get to protect your peace.
And if anyone doesn’t like it?
Well, that’s their problem, not yours.
Xo Michelle
P.S. If you’re struggling to help your child with autism and feeling overwhelmed by family dynamics, this is exactly what I do. Book a complimentary consultation call with me so I can hear more about your baby, tell you about my program, and see if it makes sense for us to work together. Let’s focus on what really matters – getting your child the skills they need for independence.
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