When The Gap Feels Too Wide

I had a conversation recently with a father that stopped me in my tracks.

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His eleven-year-old daughter with autism was killing it in so many ways – speaking in five-word sentences, crushing it in an inclusive classroom, following routines like a boss.
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But she still wasn’t potty trained.
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The problem isn’t her autism. The problem is where he’s choosing to live – in The Gap or The Gain.
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This dad was living in what I call The Gap – that shitty mental space where we obsess about everything our kids haven’t achieved yet.
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You know… when you’re comparing your kids to what google says they should be doing at their age, when you size them up to neurotypical children, hell, even comparing your child to other kids on the spectrum who are “worse off.”
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Living in The Gap is like being stuck in mental quicksand. The more you focus on what’s missing, the deeper you sink.

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​How do I know he was living in The Gap?
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Because he kept saying “She still NEEDS diapers”… while listing off all these amazing skills she’s mastered.
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If his daughter can handle an inclusive classroom, communicate her needs, and follow complex routines, there’s no fucking reason she can’t use a toilet.
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The problem isn’t her autism. The problem is where he’s choosing to live – in The Gap or The Gain.
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The Gain is measuring backward – looking at how far your child has come instead of obsessing about where they “should” be.
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Here are some strategies to learning to live in the Gain:
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✅ Shift Your Perspective: When you feel like progress is slow, pause and look back at where your child started. Notice the small victories instead of focusing only on how far there is to go.

✅ Track the Wins: Keep a journal of every milestone—no matter how small. Whether it’s a new word, a successful transition, or an unexpected social interaction, these gains add up over time.

✅ Reframe Setbacks: When something doesn’t go as planned—like a potty accident or a meltdown—see it as information, not failure. Every challenge teaches you what works and what needs adjusting.

✅ Measure Backward, Not Forward: Instead of comparing your child to neurotypical peers or an ideal version of where they ‘should’ be, compare today’s progress to where they were six months or a year ago.

✅ Celebrate the Journey: Make a habit of noticing and appreciating every step forward. The more you acknowledge the progress, the more motivated and hopeful you’ll feel.

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​When you live in The Gain, you build momentum. You see what’s possible.

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You get shit done.
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Your child’s progress isn’t limited by their diagnosis. It’s limited by which mental neighborhood you choose to live in – The Gap or The Gain.
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Where do you live?
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Is it time to move?

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xo Michelle

P.S. Ready to get out of The Gap and start living in The Gain? Book a call. Let’s talk about how my Group Coaching Program can help you make the move.