Dear Michelle,
thanks so much for the conversation the other day!
I possibly have another example of the problem behavior – you will see if it qualifies or not. This morning, it was colder than usual here in Denmark (and the weather here generally fluctuates from day to day or even within a day). However, my daughter, once she gets rid of the stockings, thinks that once the summer comes, it is sealed in stone that every day will be warm. Yesterday, as a consequence, she came from school freezing (since she went there having only socks, which she took off, as there is such a possibility in school). So, this morning, once we figured it is cold, we asked her to put on stockings (A). She complained, yelled, whined, but eventually she put them on (B). We praised her for it (C). However, I later heard from the teacher (D?) that she had to take the stockings off to better focus on the math tasks (and she indeed focused better). So, the question is: do you think there is a sensory issue here, or it is related to flexibility? Do you think we responded in the right way? Since it could happen at home too, would we be right to act in the same way like teachers and allow her to take the stockings off? Thanks! Very best, Marijana
Answer:
YOU DID A GREAT JOB.. You kept the demand on even thought she whinned... You're breaking the connection in her head and now shes learning what you say is how it will be. AMAZING FUCKING WIN!!!
It's hard to say because you weren't present at school. It could be that taking the stockings off provided a much needed break from an non preferred math task. We would be speculating. What I would do is share the Survival Guide to Problem Behaviors with the teacher an ask her for ABC data. When you send the teacher the guide, ask her do you think she wanted the socks off to have a break before the math and lets see what she says. Then tell her how to collect data and send it off to us.
PROUD OF YOU MAMA>.. I feel you changing already. Keep me posted. xo Michelle
YOU DID A GREAT JOB.. You kept the demand on even thought she whinned… You’re breaking the connection in her head and now shes learning what you say is how it will be. AMAZING FUCKING WIN!!!
It’s hard to say because you weren’t present at school. It could be that taking the stockings off provided a much needed break from an non preferred math task. We would be speculating. What I would do is share the Survival Guide to Problem Behaviors with the teacher an ask her for ABC data. When you send the teacher the guide, ask her do you think she wanted the socks off to have a break before the math and lets see what she says. Then tell her how to collect data and send it off to us.
PROUD OF YOU MAMA>.. I feel you changing already. Keep me posted. xo Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Thanks so much for the advice and support! It means a lot to us!
We will keep on doing what you suggested. In the meantime, we managed to get the slot for the meeting in the new school (this is actually our first meeting since she is there), and we will try to get all the information about the socks and the ABC data, as well as let them know about our new program (they gave us only 25 min.). Today, for example, since the weather was colder again, I asked my daughter to put on socks, and then she suggested to have the stockings instead of trousers and socks – we agreed, since it was a meaningful suggestion, and she will stay warm, and also since she communicated well this exchange. What do you think? We would also like to break down in the next meetings some other aspects of her problem behavior, for example, the interruption of the phone calls, and how to handle them (such as the one you witnessed). Also, we would love to get your advice on the summer travel, but we will get back to that in some of the calls. Thanks again, and see you soon,
I think you told her socks she made a thoughtful good suggestion of stockings and you had a agreement without PAIN and RESISTANCE>>>> and she got the mental note that when I make a suggestion my thoughts are respected, I’ll try that again… HUGE WIN!!!
For call interruptions, I want to preplan and reward after. For example My children know when I put my finger up that I am on an important phone call and when I put the finger up they KNOW this is NOT a good time to interrupt. BUT if they have an emergency they put their hands together and I pause…. we created this protocol and it takes time to finesse what they consider an emergency vs me, but now we all have the system on lock.
I would also reward her for being patient and practice pertinently waiting for mommy’s attention, but GETTING my attention after my call is over.
We can dialog on it on our calls.. you are doing great and so is she!
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for the advice in your last email, and I apologize for missing our call. I was feeling a bit burned out and needed some rest. On a brighter note, my daughter is quite taken with the idea of rewards and frequently reminds me when she’s done something commendable. 🙂
I wanted to share our experience from today’s school visit. It was our first time at the new school, and we were uncertain about our daughter’s behavior based on the teachers’ messages. Fortunately, she hasn’t had any incidents in the two months she’s been there, and they believe she’s adjusted well. The special educators understand the reasons behind her actions and she hasn’t been able to avoid less favored activities like studying, as was the case in her previous school. Regarding her habit of removing her socks, it seems she hasn’t been using it to get out of activities—she completes all her tasks regardless. We’re beginning to think that this might be her preferred way of comfort, sensory-related or not, especially considering the local custom here in Denmark where many women wear sandals with their jackets. It’s a bit hard for me to grasp, but perhaps my daughter has simply embraced the Danish approach to dressing after living here for five years.
Additionally, there are a couple of behaviors at school that might be seen as problematic. For instance, she laughs when another child cries or has a tantrum, which we initially thought was due to surprise or uncertainty about how to react. We’d appreciate any advice you have on this. Also, she sometimes throws objects near the boys in her class to get their attention, like tossing toys onto the football court while they play.
These are the updates for now, and I look forward to our next conversation.
Best regards,
Marijana
Yes could be that she likes no socks – we always think autism is the culprit but at the end of the day it might just be a personal preference.
The school needs to intervene to show her how to behave in those examples. Its hard for us to suggest because we are not there when the behavior happens. If you haven’t already, please share the guide with them and ask they look it over and apply the strategies.
What you and school could do is talk about appropriate responses to someone else crying. I would show her videos of children crying and what would be the appropriate responses in those scenarios. I would social story it and role play it at home as well. Is she’s throwing stuff for attention or is she trying to play with the boys? This is why it’s important when the school sees this behavior to intervene with the strategies in the guide.
You could talk to her when she gets home and ask her why she’s throwing and see if you can social story and role play the scenario out with the correct behavior.
Let me know if this is helpful.